Transcript
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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills
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to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.
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As clinicians, we spend a decade or more as trainees learning to take care of patients.
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When we finally start our careers, we want to build research programs, but then we find
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that our years of clinical training did not adequately prepare us to lead our research
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program.
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Through no fault of our own, we struggle to find mentors, and when we can't, we quit.
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However, clinicians hold the keys to the greatest research breakthroughs.
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For this reason, the Clinician Researcher podcast exists to give academic clinicians
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the tools to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.
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Now introducing your host, Toyosi Onwuemene.
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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast.
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I'm your host, Toyosi Onwuemene, and it is a pleasure to be talking with you today.
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Thank you so much for tuning in.
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Today I'm talking about baby blues.
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Actually, more specifically, I'm talking about what to do when a baby comes into the picture
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and throws off everything.
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And it's a really important topic because I remember when I started my first faculty
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job and within probably about eight months, nine months of starting my faculty job, my
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youngest baby was born.
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And I will say that it was hard.
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It was so hard because it was rough before the baby came.
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And then when the baby came, it just was harder.
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And it really did cause me to stop and re-evaluate what I wanted and how I wanted this experience
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to go.
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And it caused me to really think hard about what was important to me at work and how I
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wanted my life to look like.
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Because at the point at which baby came, I will say that this beautiful baby did not
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want to drink from a bottle and would not eat, would not eat at all, would not drink
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from a bottle until I came home from work.
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And then baby wanted to stay up all night eating.
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And while we had done sleep training for our other baby, this baby was not willing to do
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any sleep training.
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In fact, this baby always, always wanted to get out of the bed.
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Like she would fall asleep and the moment you put her in the crib, she would just wake up.
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So it was challenging, but it was also good and really important.
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And I want to share with you some of the ways that I thought about being a new mom at the
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time and how that may or may not help you.
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I think it will because it's really helpful just to see how other people did it, not because
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you're going to do the same thing, but because it may cause you to think differently about
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how you want to show up in your motherhood or fatherhood experience.
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Okay.
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So the first thing I want to say is, wow, a new baby is on the scene.
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Congratulations.
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Yes.
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Whenever a baby is here, the words are always congratulations.
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I mean, there's just nothing else to say.
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Congratulations.
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It is such a beautiful thing.
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Relationships are the source of life and this is a new relationship that's going to transform
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your life forever and it's going to be so, so, so, so good.
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And yeah, this may be baby number four or maybe baby number five, it doesn't matter.
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Every new baby comes and changes your life in a significant and dramatic way.
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Now I will tell you honestly that I can mostly speak from the perspective of the woman who's
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had the baby, but I do believe that it's a significant change in the life of the father
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as well.
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And so I just want to acknowledge mothers, fathers, if you have a new baby, congratulations.
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This is a significant thing and you should celebrate even if right now it's causing you
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a little bit more stress than it has in the past.
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So definitely celebrate.
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All right.
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So start with celebration.
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And the first thing I really do want to share is that you've just got to breathe.
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You got to breathe and recognize that, wait a minute, you've been here before.
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And when I say you've been here before, I don't mean you've had a baby before and maybe
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you have.
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Maybe this is baby number one, I don't know.
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But what I'm saying is that you've been in a place before where you've had to re-figure
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your whole life, where things changed and you're like, okay, well, the way I used to
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do it doesn't work.
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Let's think about how I'm going to do it this time.
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And that's exactly where you are right now.
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For example, when you transitioned from undergrad to med school, I mean, you may have worked
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hard in undergrad.
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When you got into med school, it was a totally different beast.
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And however you used to study for undergrad, you needed to re-figure it from med school.
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And then you learned all this stuff in med school.
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You thought you were ready for residency.
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You transitioned into residency and it became clear that you were going to have to up your
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game in a different way to be a resident.
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And so what I'm saying is that you've had significant transitions in your life where
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you've literally had to reconfigure the way you do things because something changed.
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And sometimes the change is expected.
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So okay, well, you expect a transition from medical school to residency and you expect
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it to be different because you have a sense of how different it is.
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Sometimes the baby thing is a little harder because you may not always have precedent.
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For example, I thought, wow, I stay up because I take call.
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And that was when we would take 24 plus six hour calls and I thought, oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
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if I can do that, if I can stay up all night taking call, I can do a baby.
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What I forgot or what I did not recognize was that at least call had an endpoint and
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then you could go home and sleep and no one would paint you.
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But here I was, wow, sleepless night after sleepless night after sleepless night after
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sleepless night.
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And I realized that I was not prepared.
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So the point I'm making is that it's a transition point.
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Like you've had transition points in your life and the things you used to do before
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may not work now, but you've been here before.
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You've been in the place where you have to re-figure everything and you've done okay.
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So if you look back upon your life, your track record is that you've always succeeded and
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you will succeed in re-figuring, reconfiguring your life at this point as well.
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So congrats again in advance.
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All right.
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So number one is celebrate baby, right?
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Number two, breathe.
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Number three is for you to be very aware of the fleeting nature of time.
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Now one of the things, at least for me, that has helped me recognize how time flies is
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the growth of my children.
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It's like, wait a minute, you're tall, you're taller, you're taller than me now.
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Like when did that happen?
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And what, you know, so the changes that are happening in the children's lives remind me
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of the passage of time where by myself, I'm not really thinking much is changing because
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I feel like I look the same even though I know I don't, but their growth, especially
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their accelerated growth helps them recognize that, wow, the years are ticking by.
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And so it is important to recognize that this moment will pass.
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Baby will be three months older and then baby will be four years older and then maybe you'll
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be 16 years older and then 21 years older and no longer in your life, at least not in
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the way they were at the very beginning.
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And so when you recognize how transient this time is, how much of the time is already taking
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away, then you have to ask yourself, well, how do I want to spend this time in relation
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with this child or in relation to this child?
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How do I want to be as mom or dad?
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How do I want to show up?
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And how do I want my life to be lived in my parenthood?
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And I think as with everything that I talk about, it really starts with intentionality.
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Like are you going to be intentional about this time?
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Or are you going to look back 21 years later and say, I don't even know where the time
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went and oh, I wish I'd done it differently.
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And so fast forward to 21 years from now and then say, I'm so glad.
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I'm so glad.
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I'm so glad.
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It was the best parenting experience ever.
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And I'm so glad at the way I did it.
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So fast forward to then, then come back and say, well, how did you do it so that at the
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end you are celebrating, not crying, not regretting things or not regretting decisions that you
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made.
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And so one of the biggest strategies, one of the biggest keys to success in managing
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your parenting journey, as well as your faculty career is intentionality.
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It's like, okay, what are you going to do so that you get the outcome you want at the
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end?
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And this is not the time to throw up your hands and say, I have no choice.
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This is just the way it is.
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It always has to be this way.
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I would just say that, okay, if that's what you're choosing, as long as you recognize
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that it's a choice you're making.
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And in reality, there is always choice.
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In reality, everybody doesn't do it the way you're doing it.
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And the question is, what do you want?
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And are you taking the steps that get you to where you want?
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Are you taking steps that get you further away from where you want to be?
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Recognize that you are making a choice and time is fleeting and recognize how you want
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to spend that time.
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All right, number four is to re-evaluate your priorities.
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Okay, so here's the thing that happens.
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That happened to me is that I'd always been able to hustle more and make it work, hustle
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more and make it work.
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Okay, expand the boundaries of work and make it work.
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I could just, okay, I'll take a Saturday morning and finish off the notes.
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I'll take a Saturday evening.
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There was always the ability to expand a little bit, steal a little bit of time and make it
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work.
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But when the baby came, baby broke the bank.
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That was no, I'll take a little bit extra time on Saturday morning because Saturday
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morning was taking up.
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That was no, oh, I'll take a little bit of time on Friday afternoon because Friday afternoon
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was already busy.
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And so it's important to just stop and re-evaluate your priorities.
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Like, why are you here?
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What is important in your journey as a faculty member?
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What are the things you're doing that you're supposed to actually be doing?
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Right?
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Because what happens is we take on so much, so many things from all over the place and
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we're like, I'm going to do all of these.
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And we don't really ask which ones we should be doing or which ones we shouldn't be doing.
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But what a great opportunity when a baby or babies come along or your parenting journey
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forces you to say, wait a minute, I can't do everything.
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And that is beautiful.
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Just to get to the place where you're like, I can't do this.
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It's great because it's like, okay, well don't.
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What will it take to be able to do the things that you need to do and not worry about everything
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else?
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And I know we're going to talk about a strategy for that shortly, but it is important to reassess
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your priorities and ask yourself, like, you know, when you had all this excess time, when
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you were not a parent and you picked up all this additional work that wasn't really your
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responsibility, and now that you're a parent and you don't have all the time, what do you
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do with that?
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Recognize that there are some things that are priorities at your institution.
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People may yell a lot about a lot of things, but there are very few things that really,
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really matter.
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And if you're a scientist, if you're a physician scientist or you're a clinician researcher
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building a research program, there are some things that really don't matter at all.
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If you're a faculty member trying to get promoted, there are some things that count much less
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than others.
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Recognizing what the priorities are allows you to create time windows or strategies to
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move those priorities forward, even if other balls fall, because there are some balls that
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can fall and break and some balls that shouldn't break.
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Okay.
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All right.
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Or they can fall.
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Some balls can fall and break and some others you're like, yeah, but for that, that didn't
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break, right?
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That didn't fall and that didn't break.
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And so recognize what your priorities are.
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And if you don't know, figure them out.
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Because sometimes when we first start our faculty careers, no one tells us that everything
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is not weighted equally, right?
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And so here we are trying to be good and we're doing everything because people have asked
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us to do everything.
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And then when we finally get to the place where it's like, wait a minute, I don't have
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time to do all these things, then you have to ask the question, well, what am I supposed
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to be doing?
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What are the things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing?
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And that leads me to number five.
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Review the 80-20 rule.
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Remember we talked about in a prior episode, the 80-20 rule, and this comes from the Pareto
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principle and that is that 20% or less of the things that you do actually give you 80%
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of your outcome.
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And so if there are very few things that really move the needle, then you want to make sure
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that you're optimizing for the 20%.
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And what we tend to do, at least what I used to do, was to just try to do 100% of everything.
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But then when you realize that 20% of things matter the most, then you're going to focus
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more on the 20%.
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And so review your 80-20.
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Look at all your activities.
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Yes, write them all down so that you can see them and evaluate them.
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And then ask yourself, well, which of these things that I do give me the highest value
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for my time invested?
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You're going to want to know what things do that for you.
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You want to know the things that you invest a lot of time, but they don't really move
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you forward.
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You don't want to know because you have a hard decision to make.
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And actually, honestly, when you finally figure out the things that are dragging you down,
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taking up a lot of your time, but not moving you forward, the decision may not be so hard,
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but you need to know.
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Because again, it all starts with intentionality.
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When you know the things that you do that take up a lot of your time that actually don't
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move you forward, then you can make a decision that's informed.
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As opposed to right now, you're just kind of trying to do everything and some of it
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doesn't matter, is not valuable, but you don't even know that.
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So you're going to want to review the 80-20.
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Number six is to hold on to the things that fit, the priorities.
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One of the books I really love is Essentialism by Greg McKeon, and it's a great book.
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I recommend it.
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And it talks about the fact that there are only very few things that really, really matter.
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And so once you figure out having assessed the 80-20, once you figure out the things
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that are absolutely essential, that's what you should do.
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But you should lay everything else aside, and you should find a way to fit into your
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schedule the things that are highest priority.
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Yes, the things that fit, schedule those.
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And then everything else, that leads us to number seven.
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Everything else you're going to find a way to either negotiate out of or delegate it.
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Because what you're saying, when you look at all the work you're doing and you decide
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that this is a priority and these things are not the priority, you're not saying it's not
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that they're not important.
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You're not saying these are not important.
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You're saying, well, they are important, but do they need to be important to me?
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Think about the Eisenhower matrix.
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The Eisenhower matrix, if you are familiar, helps us prioritize what's urgent and important,
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not urgent, unimportant.
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And it really arranges things into four quadrants.
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So in one quadrant, it's not urgent, it's not important.
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Why are you doing it?
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In another quadrant, well, it's urgent, but it's not important.
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You shouldn't be doing that, but somebody should do it.
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But who can do it for you?
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But if it's important and urgent, well, you should do it.
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But if it's important and not urgent, you want to make sure you schedule the time to
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do it.
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And you want to spend a lot of your time in the things that are not urgent, but important.
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Because it means that you are looking far ahead in advance to work towards the things
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that you need to do and not allowing them to become urgent before you actually do them.
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Right?
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And then what you're also not doing is focusing and spending a lot of time where most of us
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spend our time is in the matrix of things that are urgent, but not important.
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Like someone's yelling, they're like, I want this now.
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It's not important.
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But because the person is yelling, or they're really bothering you, you give them all the
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time and attention in the world.
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And so what I'm saying is that the things that you have found that don't fit into your
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schedule, it doesn't mean they're not important.
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It just means they're not important for you to be the one primarily doing them.
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And so who can do them for you?
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And you may be like, oh no, there's nobody helping me.
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And I just want to pause and say, that's not true.
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Because sometimes you look at yourself and you think, oh, I'm like lowly on the totem
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pole.
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There's no one to do anything for me.
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And I would challenge that.
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I would challenge that assumption.
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And I would say, is that true?
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Is there really no one to do anything for you?
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No one you can delegate anything to?
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You may not have an administrative assistant, but is there no one to delegate anything to?
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And if you say there isn't, well, it's like, okay, so who can you pay?
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Who can you employ to do work for you?
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For example, maybe you're doing all your cooking.
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Who can you delegate cooking to?
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Maybe you're doing all your shopping.
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Who can you delegate shopping to?
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Maybe at work you're doing all your gels.
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Who can you delegate gels to?
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Like who can you delegate to?
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And so it's going to take some thinking.
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It's going to take some creativity and it may even cost you some dollars, but it's so
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important for you to free up your time for the things that matter to you, including building
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a relationship with this new child that has come into your life and other significant
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others that you have in your life as well that you want to continue to have a great
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relationship with.
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So I talked about seven things.
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The first is congratulations.
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Just celebrate because this baby has come, changed your life forever.
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The second is to breathe.
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You've been here before.
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You know how to rework everything.
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You've done it successfully.
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You will do it successfully again.
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You're going to make it happen.
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Number three, recognize that time's precious and you're going to want to make sure that
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you spend this time in a way that you're going to be proud of years from now and that you're
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not going to regret.
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Number four, re-evaluate your priorities.
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What are the things you're not supposed to be doing that you're doing and what are the
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things you are supposed to be doing?
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What is the priority as a faculty member?
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Number five, review the 80-20 rules.
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What are the 20% of activities that give you the biggest bang for your buck, 80% of your
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outputs and make sure you focus on the 20%.
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Hold on to the things that fit.
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It's number six and number seven, negotiate out of and or delegate everything else.
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I didn't want to point one more thing out about the number seven, negotiating out of
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or delegate everything else.
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There are some challenges that are not yours.
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For example, there's no APP and there should be one supporting your clinic and you're like,
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well, there's no APP so I'm going to triple, quadruple book myself because someone's got
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to see the patient.
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And I would say that there are administrative things and systemic things that should be
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in place to support you and if they are not there, it is not your job to take on the whole
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system and to try to fix it.
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Because number one, you're obscuring the fact that there's a problem.
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So number two, you're taking on work that's not your responsibility and you're probably
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doing a poor job of it.
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Yes, when you triple quadruple book yourself, you are stressed, you are harried.
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The patients who do come to you don't get very much out of you and frankly they complain.
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And then they say, well, she's so harried all the time.
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She's just always overworked.
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And then they give you bad scores.
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You're like, but I'm just trying to help.
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I'm just trying to help.
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And it's like, no, you're not helping very well.
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You're kind of stressing yourself out and giving everybody else a bad experience.
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All because you're stepping into a role that's not yours.
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It's not your job to fix the fact that there are not enough faculty.
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You can't fix that and it's not your job to fix it.
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What you can do is have conversations with your leadership about what's needed and to
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let them know what your boundaries are as far as how much you can support that or not
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support it.
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But I just want to encourage you not to take on the world's troubles as your own.
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As a physician, you tend to want to do that.
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It's not beneficial for you.
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It's not beneficial for this new relationship you're building with this new child that's
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coming to your life.
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You don't look good when it comes to the patients you're trying to help.
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They're not impressed with your not really having much time to be there for them.
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What you want to do is you want to be able to do a great job.
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You want to do it well.
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And so I invite you to think about in what ways are you shortchanging yourself by trying
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to be everything to everybody when that's not really your responsibility.
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All right.
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What is the one thing I invite you to do this week?
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Well, I invite you to reassess your schedule.
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Maybe you're not a parent and this doesn't apply to you or maybe you're a parent of children
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who are out of the house and it's like, huh, not my problem anymore.
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There's still always opportunity to assess what you're doing and to say, well, yeah,
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if I didn't have to be here 24 7, what else would I want to do with my time?
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And ask yourself, what are my priorities?
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And am I doing the things that actually want to be doing?
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Am I doing the things that actually matter?
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Am I doing mostly the things that give me the most output for the work that I do?
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All right.
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I invite you to think about that this week.
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And as always, if you're looking for a coach, I'm here for you.
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Send me an instant message or a direct message on Instagram or on LinkedIn.
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I'd be happy to work with you to figure out how I can best support you.
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In the meantime, enjoy the rest of your day.
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And I look forward to talking with you again next time on the Clinician Researcher Podcast.
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Thanks for listening to this episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast, where academic
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clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program, whether or not they
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have a mentor.
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If you found the information in this episode to be helpful, don't keep it all to yourself.
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Someone else needs to hear it.
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So take a minute right now and share it.
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As you share this episode, you become part of our mission to help launch a new generation
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of clinician researchers who make transformative discoveries that change the way we do health
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care.