Compassion is the compass for your success

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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills

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to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.

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As clinicians, we spend a decade or more as trainees learning to take care of patients.

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When we finally start our careers, we want to build research programs, but then we find

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that our years of clinical training did not adequately prepare us to lead our research

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program.

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Through no fault of our own, we struggle to find mentors, and when we can't, we quit.

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However, clinicians hold the keys to the greatest research breakthroughs.

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For this reason, the Clinician Researcher podcast exists to give academic clinicians

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the tools to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.

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Now introducing your host, Toyosi Onwuemene.

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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast.

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I'm your host Toyosi Onwuemene, and it is an absolute pleasure to be talking with you today.

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Today I'm talking about compassion, and I'm talking about compassion, and it's important

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to your success.

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I'm talking about compassion, and it's important for your success.

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You may ask the question, well, what does compassion have anything to do with my succeeding

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as a clinician scientist or as a clinician researcher?

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I would tell you that compassion has everything to do with your success.

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We as physicians are so, so good, I'm going to put that good in air quotes, at showing

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compassion to our patients.

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We tend to not apply the same level of compassion to ourselves or to others as well.

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And I will tell you that one of the ways in which this became really obvious to me was

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during some work I did on myself, really, in identifying the saboteurs that were interfering

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with my success.

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And so this comes from the work of Shurzad Shamin.

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He wrote the book Positive Intelligence, and he talks a lot about PQ reps, and those are

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exercises, in fact, you can call them mindfulness exercises that help you get in touch with

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you and help you focus your mind.

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They're really good, and the book is a really great read.

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I recommend that you read it.

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But I will tell you that one of the things I got from it was recognizing that, wow, there

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is a judge in my mind.

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I'm judging myself, and I'm judging myself so harshly.

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And nobody thrives in the presence of harsh judgment, but here I was judging myself so

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harshly.

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And this judge, this judging of myself was making me shrivel up and not be the best that

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I could be.

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But what I had deceived myself into thinking all through my life as I had allowed this

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judge-like character to take over was I had convinced myself that it was a good boss,

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and that when I yelled at myself or when I berated myself for doing the wrong thing,

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it helped me shape up.

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And I have to tell you that I recognize now that that's a lie, and that whatever judges

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causes people to shrivel, it causes people to shrink, to turn inwards, and they may produce

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work but it's not their best work.

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They may produce results, but it's not their best result.

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And if you're really going to help people to excel, and if you're going to help yourself

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to excel, you're going to treat yourself with kindness and compassion so that you give yourself

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a platform to thrive.

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What you find out is that when you let go of the harsh judgment of yourself, so much

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better work comes out of that space.

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You're not less productive, you're not less hardworking, but you have a sense of freedom

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and a sense of realization that, you know what, if this fails, it'll be okay.

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And if this succeeds, it'll be okay.

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Because there's a sense of not judging yourself and then not judging others as well.

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So I recommend it, Positive Intelligence by Sharazad Shaman.

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It is a great book.

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And if you have the opportunity to do his work, and that occurs usually within what

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he calls pods, across a couple of weeks, it really helps you to think critically about

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your environment, yourself, and to gain control over your mind and sometimes the way that

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it can get out of control and sabotage you.

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So that's enough of my public service announcement for the book, Positive Intelligence.

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I want to talk to you today about seven things you should consider as you think about compassion

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as a key to your success.

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And the first thing I want to share is that physicians think they understand compassion.

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As physicians, we think we understand compassion.

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And to be honest, we are compassionate people.

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It takes compassion to care for patients.

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It takes compassion to sacrifice yourself, to say, I'm not going to sleep because I'm

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going to take care of the patients who come in overnight.

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It takes compassion to have conversation with patients.

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It takes compassion to have conversations with patients.

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It takes compassion to be a physician.

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It absolutely does.

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But here's the thing about being a physician, and this applies whether you're a physician,

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scientist, whatever you do, this applies to you, is that where you may extend compassion

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to some patients, you actually don't extend compassion to all patients, not in the same

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way.

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And there are patients for whom you've decided that this person deserves my compassion and

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for others for whom you've decided that, well, they deserve your judgment.

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And it may not be an explicit decision that you're making.

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This comes from very inherent deep-seated places of our biases.

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For example, sometimes you meet a smoker who has lung cancer.

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You're like, well, so is you're right for smoking for 30 years.

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You don't have the same level of compassion and for someone who's say 30 years old, never

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smoker with lung cancer, then all of a sudden there's a different sense of like, oh, wait

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a minute, you didn't do anything wrong.

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Therefore, I have compassion.

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So do you see how our compassion is flawed?

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We as a profession, we do tend to be compassionate people, but our compassion is actually conditional.

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And there are situations in which people show up and we're like, well, you don't deserve

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this level of compassion.

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And it's for different reasons.

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So we talked about a smoker.

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Sometimes it's someone who's obese.

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You're like, well, if you hadn't gained all that weight, would you be suffering this problem?

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So we struggle with compassion.

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And what we find in medicine is that we are up against the limits of our compassion constantly

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because sometimes we just are too tired to even demonstrate that we care.

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But even when we're not too tired, there are some people that for whatever reason, we don't

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show the same level of compassion as we do for others.

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And sometimes that comes from fundamental beliefs about people or their role in causing

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disease or illness.

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And so I just want to put that out there that physicians are supposed to be great at compassion

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and to some extent we are, but our compassion has limits.

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Now why is this important?

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It's important because of number two.

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Number two is that physicians tend to reserve the harshest judgment for themselves.

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And on the surface, this looks great.

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Oh yeah, if you're going to judge anybody, you judge yourself.

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Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

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You put yourself to work.

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You make sure you're not out of control.

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It looks good on the surface, but here's the challenge though.

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When you judge yourself, it actually also shows up in the way you treat others.

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And so when you treat yourself harshly, when you drive yourself to go, go, go, go, go,

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it shows up in the way you interact with people around you as well.

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It becomes really obvious when you have people who are really close to you who live in the

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same home as you.

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So significant other, children, your harsh judgment of yourself tends to show up in your

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harsh judgment of others as well.

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And so I want to just announce that it is a problem.

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It is a problem when you judge yourself because you're judging others as well.

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Now the reverse is also true.

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Number three, when you judge others, it is the sure sign that you're judging yourself as well.

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There is no way of judging another human without judging yourself because the thing that bothers

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you the most in other humans tends to be the thing that is inside of you that perhaps you

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don't want to address or you don't want to face.

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Now if we go back to the example of the smoker, now you may not be a smoker and you're like,

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oh no, no, no, I'm morally upright and upstanding in the area of smoking.

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I do not smoke, therefore I judge you, smoker.

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Yeah that could be different because when you're judging others, it doesn't mean you're

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judging yourself as a smoker.

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But what it does mean though, you may not be judging yourself as a smoker, but you're

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judging people in the choices that they've made that may or may not have brought on the

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illness that they had.

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And when you think about it, you really are judging yourself for some choices you've made

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that may have brought you to a place that you are.

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And so even though the judgment doesn't necessarily immediately translate like smoking, not smoking,

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there's just a sense of if you look down on people for whatever reason or you judge them

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harshly, you really are first judging yourself.

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Because the things that you don't hold to be dear, you tend not to judge people in that.

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You're like, yeah, I don't really care about that issue.

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I'm not worried about that.

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So you're not judging others and it's a thing in which you don't judge yourself.

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So if you pay attention to the things in which you judge others for or the things that you

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judge others for, you pay attention to the places in which you struggle and you need

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help as well.

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Okay, so the first step to breakthrough, and this is number four, is to stop judging yourself.

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That's it.

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It's the first step to breakthrough.

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And why is it important?

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It's important because hey, you're human.

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And I know that you've been through rigorous training experience and sometimes you've come

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away with a misguided notion that you're superhuman.

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I mean, you're amazing.

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You're really brilliant.

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I appreciate you.

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And I'm so grateful for physicians.

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They're a rare breed.

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You really do do the impossible.

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But you're not superhuman.

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You're just human.

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And the problem with humans is that they make mistakes.

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And the beauty of humans is that despite their mistakes, they're still able to accomplish

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beautiful things.

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And so judging people for mistakes they've made, whether intentionally or unintentionally,

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limits their ability.

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Judging yourself for any mistake that you've made limits your ability.

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It limits your potential.

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It limits your ability to thrive.

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And if you're going to stop judging those around you and not experiencing the fullness

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of who they are, who they could be by creating an atmosphere in which they thrive because

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you judge them, you need to first stop judging yourself.

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Because the moment you are able to truly have compassion on yourself, that's when you can

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have compassion on others.

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It is a false notion that you can judge yourself and have compassion on others.

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It doesn't happen.

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The compassion you have on yourself is a compassion you're able to gift to others.

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And the absence of that compassion, any other compassion that you say you show is kind of

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false.

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It's fake.

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It's like, oh yeah, of course, you judge yourself harshly, but you're so kind to other people.

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Yeah, that's not compassion.

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That's manipulation.

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It's pretending.

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If you cannot love yourself first, you do not have enough capacity to love others.

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And if you continue to judge yourself, it's a sign that you continue to judge others.

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And so if you're going to break through, if you're going to break free, if you're going

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to have the opportunity to live and thrive, the first step is to stop judging yourself.

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And I will tell you that Sharzad Shamin did a great job of just kind of outlining the

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problems of this judge-like character that overcomes all of our minds.

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And I want you to think about it, read it, go read a summary or something, because it's

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not the place or the time to necessarily go into all of it.

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But it is important to recognize that judging yourself is a problem.

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And if you are doing it, and it's likely you are because most humans are, it's an important

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place in which to get help.

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Because until you can manage the judge inside of you and show compassion to yourself, you're

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not going to be able to show compassion to others, not consistently.

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And that's part of the problem when you're able to judge some patients and not others.

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It's a sign that you struggle with compassion.

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So the moment you stop judging yourself, and number five is that you find courage and strength

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to stop judging others.

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Because in the thing in which you no longer judge yourself, then you have permission and

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freedom to stop judging others.

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I have to tell you that it takes work to stop judging others.

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And again, Sharzad Shamin's book was so good in helping me think about, okay, I'm not judging

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myself and I'm not judging others.

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And I will tell you that I'm very mindful about that.

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Like I'll pass and I'll be like, I can't believe she's wearing that.

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I'm like, oh, nope, there's no place for judgment.

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And I start doing PQ reps.

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These are mindfulness exercises that Sharzad Shamin talks about in his book.

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He calls them PQ reps.

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But I'll start doing them because I'm like, there's no place for judgment here.

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And it's an exercise.

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Like I exercise in not judging myself and I exercise in not judging others.

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Because I have to tell you the stance, the posture that you have when you judge others,

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it's not pretty.

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Your face contorts in like an ugly, ugly manner.

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You smell a bitterness.

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Like people can just be like, you judge others, you do not look good.

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You just don't.

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And fortunately and unfortunately for us, usually when we're judging others, we're judging

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others in a group.

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Like someone will say, I can't believe she wore that.

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And others are like, yeah, doesn't she know what's fashionable?

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You're all ugly together.

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And so it's hard to really identify who's the real ugly person because you're all being

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ugly together.

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But I say all that to say that judging others makes you look ugly and feel ugly inside.

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And so, wow, what an important exercise it is to consciously catch yourself when you

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start to judge another person and to reel it back and to say, there's no place for judgment

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because there isn't.

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It's not our place to judge others.

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And in fact, we don't even really have the right to judge ourselves.

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And if we think about us as we're trying to move forward as clinicians, as researchers,

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we are doing the best that we can.

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We're doing the best that we can with the tools we've been given.

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And so we do deserve compassion and others around us deserve compassion, not our judgment.

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Number six is that only in compassion can your true self be found.

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When you stop yelling at you, when you stop criticizing your every mistake, you allow

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yourself to blossom and thrive in a way that you've never done before.

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If you've ever watched a child being yelled at, and maybe that child was you when you

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were a child, you know that yelling makes them shrink up.

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It makes them lose creativity.

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It makes them just lose their sense of self and they're afraid and they're anxious.

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When you yell at yourself, it's the same effect, whether you call it just being, I don't even

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know what you call it, but whatever you call it, judging yourself makes you shrink and

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shrivel inside.

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And so when you begin to create opportunities for yourself to thrive by showing yourself

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compassion and love and mercy, wow.

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It's like the child who's spoken to kindly and whom kind words are used and encouraged.

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Oh my goodness, they're able to just thrive and blossom.

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They're not afraid.

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They're not afraid to make mistakes.

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They're not afraid to take chances.

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And so when we show ourselves compassion, it helps us to take risks.

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We're not afraid anymore to step out and do the research project that everybody says is

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not going to work because we're like, that's what I want to do.

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I'm not afraid to take risks because I'm not afraid to fall.

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I'm not going to break.

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And the more that you can show compassion on yourself, the more you're able to create

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an atmosphere in which you thrive, you take risks and you're not afraid of the future.

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And that is transformative because only those who take risks are rewarded with big rewards.

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And if you're going to move forward in your career in any meaningful way, you're going

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to take risks and some of those will not pan out, but some of them will.

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And it only takes one big win to really win big.

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And so you show yourself compassion because you thrive in the place of compassion.

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The last thing on the chair is that only in compassion can you do your best work.

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Now you may look at yourself and say, I've done pretty well with this taskmaster personality

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I have had over the last few years.

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I've done really well.

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I just want to tell you that you've done well.

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That's just not even pretend, but there is so much more, so much more that you could

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accomplish.

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If you were in a place of thriving, if you were in a place of acceptance, if you were

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in a place of not harsh judgment.

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So if harsh judgment was lacking from your environment, you would thrive so much more.

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Don't take my word for it.

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Don't take my word for it.

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You should do the experiment.

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You should go for one week, not judging yourself and not judging others and see what happens.

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Now it is not as easy as it sounds.

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It's very hard because we are wired to judge.

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As physicians, we're so wired to judge.

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It's part of our training and we judge ourselves and we judge each other harshly.

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Gosh, we turn up noses at each other.

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Like I can't believe the outside hospital and what they did.

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Oh my gosh.

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We are so full of it.

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And I mean that not in a bad way because now I'm judging.

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Oh gosh, gosh, this is hard.

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You just have to dial it back and say, oh.

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But anyway, I'm saying that it's hard and I just demonstrated right now that it's so

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easy to judge, so easy.

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And part of the exercise is not that you stop judging at all, but that you can recognize

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more easily when you're judging and at the distance to dialing it back and showing compassion

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instead of judgment gets shorter and shorter, the more you can recognize the judge.

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Because what it is, is that it's tricky.

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What it is, is that it's tricky when you do not recognize how harshly you judge yourself

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and you judge yourself without being conscious of it.

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And part of practicing not judging helps you to become so aware that you are able to continue

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to practice less judgment and less judgment and less judgment.

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And so it really is about practicing an awareness that helps you be conscious about the way

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you speak to yourself, about the way you carry yourself, about the way you represent yourself

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to others.

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All right.

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I want to summarize those seven points, is that physicians tend to believe they understand

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compassion, but they really don't.

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They struggle with compassion.

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Number two is that physicians reserve the harshest judgment for themselves and they

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also easily judge others.

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And the first step to break through, number four, is to stop judging yourself.

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Number five is that once you stop judging yourself, you find the courage to stop judging

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others.

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Number six is that only in compassion can your true self be found.

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And number seven is that only in compassion can you do your best work.

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I want to invite you, if you do not already have a coach who works with you, who encourages

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you, who helps you thrive, I want to be that coach for you.

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And maybe you already have a coach and everything is going great.

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That's wonderful.

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I still want to support you.

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I'd love to hear from you.

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You want to reach out by DM, on Facebook, on Instagram.

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I'm also on LinkedIn.

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LinkedIn is the best place to find me.

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All right.

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It's been a pleasure talking with you today.

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I invite you to go and show yourself some compassion because you are deserving.

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You're absolutely deserving of compassion.

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And I hope that you'll take time to show yourself the compassion you deserve.

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All right.

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It's been a pleasure talking with you today.

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I look forward to seeing you again on the next episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast.

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Thank you for listening.

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Thanks for listening to this episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast, where academic

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clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program, whether or not they

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have a mentor.

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If you found the information in this episode to be helpful, don't keep it all to yourself.

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Someone else needs to hear it.

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So take a minute right now and share it.

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As you share this episode, you become part of our mission to help launch a new generation

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of clinician researchers who make transformative discoveries that change the way we do healthcare.