How to leverage relationships for career success

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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills

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to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.

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As clinicians, we spend a decade or more as trainees learning to take care of patients.

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When we finally start our careers, we want to build research programs, but then we find

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that our years of clinical training did not adequately prepare us to lead our research

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program.

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Through no fault of our own, we struggle to find mentors, and when we can't, we quit.

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However, clinicians hold the keys to the greatest research breakthroughs.

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For this reason, the Clinician Researcher podcast exists to give academic clinicians

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the tools to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.

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Now introducing your host, Toyosi Onwuemene.

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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast.

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I'm your host, Toyosi Onwuemene, and it is an absolute pleasure to be talking with you

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today.

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I'm excited to bring you today's episode about five ways to enhance your career using

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relationships, five ways to use relationships to enhance your career.

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And I'm speaking to clinician researchers.

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So speaking very specifically about enhancing your research career.

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However, this is applicable to every aspect of your career, not just research.

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So I'm excited to bring you this episode today.

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The reason I bring you this episode today is because of a particularly fraught conversation

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I had in the last week with someone who's been to some extent a long-term collaborator.

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And we had a recent opportunity where I was offered an opportunity that I did not accept.

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And I think that the collaborator was upset.

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And I didn't know about it clearly until a few months later when something came up and

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I thought, oh, wait a minute, are you upset out of proportion to what's going on right

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now?

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And it turned out that it was what was considered a snub a couple of months ago that really

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made this particular collaborator super upset.

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And I remember thinking, oh, I didn't realize that you were so upset by this.

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I didn't realize.

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Because whatever has happened subsequently is kind of still reason to be upset, but it

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seemed like there was something unresolved beforehand.

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Not to be cryptic, I think the goal of my conversation is not necessarily to share what

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the issues were or what the concerns were because that's not as important.

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What was important is that feelings were hurt.

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And in order to move forward, it is important to acknowledge those feelings, even if you

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don't necessarily agree with why the feelings are generated.

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So I thought it was important then to come and talk about how challenging relationships

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can be, why they're so important to our research career, and how we can make the most of these

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relationships that we have.

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We are, I want to say obligated to have, but also really privileged to have so that we

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can enhance our careers.

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And don't get me wrong, this is not just about careers.

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This is just about life.

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Relationships are the source of life.

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And so we need them, we need them to be strong to enhance our careers, but we also need them

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to be strong in our daily lives.

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And so I'm focused on research, but this is applicable to other parts of your life as

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well.

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The very first thing I want to share, and I think is important, is that you should become

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the kind of person you want to hang out with.

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Become the kind of person you want to collaborate with.

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Become the kind of person you want to be with.

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Just you know, there's just some people that, they're just people in your life where it's

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like, I just like to hang out with you, you're cool.

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That's the kind of person you should be.

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We are looking for the one who is cool to hang out with.

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I want to collaborate with that person because they are so cool.

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And yes, those people exist and thank you, I'm glad that you are looking for them.

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But what I'm inviting you to do is become them.

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And how do you become them?

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It's a great question.

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I think one thing that one of my mentors always says that I think is so important is that

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the better you become, the better everything becomes.

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The more you enhance yourself, the more you enhance every experience that you have.

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And that just means personal development.

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I know we talked about career development, we talked about professional development, but

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more important than all of that may be personal development.

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Who are you as a person?

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And how can you enhance more of what you already have?

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Now, for many of you who are listening to me, you're physicians.

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And so it's like, wow, I've done a really big personal development thing by going through

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med school, residency, fellowship, all of those things.

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It's great personal development.

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And some of you are parents and you'll say, oh, I will tell you that my children have

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helped me get some personal development.

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Absolutely.

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Some of you are married, like, oh, being in a long-term committed relationship will definitely

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help you grow.

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It's a great source of personal development.

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However, yes, there's more, all of that and more, and then some.

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How else can you grow as a person?

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Yes, reading books and not just any books, right?

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Books are people who thought very deeply about issues.

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Those can help in your personal development, attending seminars, attending courses that

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may or may not be related to your professional or career development, but become a better

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you.

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Spend time thinking about thoughts that are deep and challenging.

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Spend time thinking about things that are beautiful and elevating and excellent.

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Spend time doing things that help you develop as an amazing person.

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And yes, that includes rest.

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And yes, that includes time away from your amazing work that you're doing.

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And yes, that means taking time away from toxicity so that toxicity does not become

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part of your frame of reference or your frame of behavior or your reference point for the

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way you live life.

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So first things first, that if you're going to have successful relationships, successful

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collaborations, if you are going to allow relationships or benefit from relationships,

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enhancing your career, the very first thing you've got to do is become a cool person yourself.

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Now when I talk about becoming a cool person, I think sometimes it's like, oh, I should

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be the person, the party person, right?

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The person who's the life and soul of the party.

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And not necessarily, some people are not that way.

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I was going to say some of us don't like to be the life and soul of the party, but my

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husband might disagree.

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I'm just saying that being a fun person to hang out with is different from being a great

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person.

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You can be fun, maybe you tell great jokes, that doesn't necessarily make you the kind

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of person that people want to collaborate with.

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And so I think it's deeper than just the superficial entertaining people, which we can do and really

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spice up a party.

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It can be fun to hang out with people who are entertaining or comical.

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But what I'm talking about is like growing the deeper you, really taking time to develop

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you because other people benefit and clearly you benefit as well.

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Okay.

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The second thing I want to share is to remove judgment from your relationship with yourself.

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Remove judgment from your relationship with yourself.

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And the book I always like to refer to with regard to this is the book by Shozha Min,

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Positive Intelligence.

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This is a great book, I totally recommend it.

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But it really helps you realize that we have saboteurs in our lives and one of those is

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the judge and the judge is always judging you and the judge is you.

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And it's harsh, it's critical.

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And maybe it was the voice of your mother or maybe it is the voice of your father, maybe

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it's the voice of a childhood friend in air quotes, or friend in quotes.

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But that voice is harsh and critical and you can never be enough for this character.

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You can never do enough, you can never be enough and so it judges you harshly.

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But again, the judge is you or is it?

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You should read the book.

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But I think what's important is that we are so critical of ourselves and criticism never

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really helped anybody thrive.

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But it's this thread that runs through physicians, physician scientists, this thread of work

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harder, do more, be more, show up more, this is not enough.

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And some of us are on that hamster wheel where no matter what we do, it will never be enough.

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And so no matter how much we attain, it will never be something that we can pause and really

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celebrate for a long time because we're always moving to the next thing, because we're always

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critical of what we have accomplished.

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Holy cow, it is exhausting.

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And the reason it's important is because nobody really thrives under harsh criticism, even

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when it is yourself criticizing you.

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It's like, oh no, as long as I'm the one criticizing myself, I really motivate myself to do work.

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I used to believe that too.

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And when I read Sharzad Shaman's work, it really did change my experience.

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And I realized that, wait a minute, what if I decided I was going to stop criticizing

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myself or judging myself so harshly and instead started to speak kindly to myself and started

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to instead encourage myself?

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How might I be different?

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You know what?

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Oh my gosh, it is so much better.

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You do more, you accomplish more.

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So it's not like you can't accomplish more unless you're criticizing or judging yourself

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harshly.

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Creating an atmosphere in which you thrive is so much more beautiful.

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And you actually do accomplish a lot.

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You can be very productive.

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You're no longer under the harsh criticism that causes you to shrink back and be less

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creative.

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You can be more creative.

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And so yes, please read that book, Positive Intelligence by Sharzad Shaman.

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No, I do not get any money from you buying the book or participating in whatever programs

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he has available now.

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But it really is a great book, an important book if you're going to work on lessening

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the sound of the judge that harshly criticizes you so that you can create an environment

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in which you thrive, an environment in which you find peace in the work that you do and

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don't feel as if you continually have to be on a grind just to please a person that can

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never be pleased.

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And yes, that's the judge, the inner critic that is you.

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So number two is remove judgment from your relationship with yourself.

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Number three is to remove judgment from others.

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Now I'm pretty specific about the order in which I've put these two.

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So the first being remove judgment from yourself because you are the most important relationship.

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The relationship you have with you is the most important relationship that you can have

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with any human person.

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And if you have a poor relationship with yourself, you are guaranteed to have a poor relationship

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with other people.

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It is a guarantee.

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I know it's interesting.

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So I grew up as a people pleaser and so I understand people pleasing.

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And I realized that part of my people pleasing was a poor relationship with myself and this

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feeling that I had to be manipulative in making people happy so that they could give me back

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something.

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And so it wasn't even honest.

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Many of my relationships are not honest because there I was working so hard to make them happy

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and lying to myself or denying my real feelings or my real emotions about things.

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And someone would do something really neat and I would say, oh, it's okay.

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I must have provoked you.

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Sounds silly now.

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But what I'm saying is that my poor relationship with myself allowed the people pleasing to

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thrive because it seemed easy for me to step on myself so that I could make somebody else

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happy.

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But in the meantime, it wasn't a true real relationship with the other person because

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I had to step on myself to do it.

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But also it wasn't authentic.

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It wasn't real.

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It was actually kind of manipulative.

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And so you cannot have a great relationship with others if you do not have a great relationship

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with yourself.

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And for many of you, you might be thinking, wait a minute, relationship with myself?

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What?

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But you know that you have a relationship with yourself.

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If you think back on your thoughts, how do you talk to yourself?

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How do you check in with yourself throughout the day?

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Are you kind to yourself?

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Do you consider your needs?

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How much sleep you need?

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How much rest you need?

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How many toxic relationships you should stay out of to be kind and healing to yourself?

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What is your relationship with yourself?

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That may be the most important human relationship you work on because the extent to which you

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have a great relationship with yourself manifests in your relationships with other people.

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But now I'm talking about the importance of removing judgment from others, right?

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And so you can't actually successfully remove judgment from others until you remove judgment

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from yourself.

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You cannot successfully honor others until you first honor yourself.

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You cannot successfully love others until you actually have first loved you because

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you are the most imperfect being you will ever meet unless you're narcissistic and then

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just this episode cannot help you.

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You are the hardest person to love, right?

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And when you can love yourself, then you know that you can actually really love others.

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And it's important because if you're going to collaborate well with others and create

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a culture of respect free of judgment in which others can come and thrive as well, you do

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need to do it for yourself.

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And as you do it for yourself, you recognize that it's important to do it for others as

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well.

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To let go of your judgment of them, let go of your criticism of them.

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Nobody ever thrived under criticism.

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I'd like to say it again, nobody, nobody I know, no human I know, ever thrived under

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an atmosphere of criticism.

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Oh yeah, they may have worked harder.

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Oh yeah, they may have really pushed.

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They may have pushed all the way to the brim, all the way to the edge, but they didn't thrive

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in an atmosphere of criticism.

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And so don't criticize yourself.

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Don't criticize others as well.

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And by criticism, I don't mean don't give people critique, right?

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The difference is that feedback really builds up.

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It helps people move forward.

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It's like, I'm giving you this feedback, so now you know what to do to improve.

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And that's different from I'm tearing down your work because it's so crap.

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It is so unworthy.

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It's different.

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But anyway, remove judgment from your environment, judgment of yourself and judgment of others.

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Number four is to pay attention to what people communicate.

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Now this is important because sometimes you're like, well, remove old judgment from other

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people.

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Well, how do I know when people are doing a good job or how can I communicate that?

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I want to say that it is important to recognize that you can never make anybody do what they

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don't want to do.

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Now you can manipulate them to do what they don't want to do.

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You can incentivize them to do what they don't want to do.

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You could disincentivize them from not doing what you want them to do, but you can never

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fully make someone do what they don't want to do, right?

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So what are some strategies to try to make people do what you want to do?

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You can nag them until they're like, you know what, this is enough, stop.

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You could strike terror in their hearts.

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You could say, hey, if you do not do this, I will not support you with a letter of recommendation.

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You could do that.

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You could make them afraid.

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You could manipulate them into thinking that you're really there for them and you just

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want to see how much they can do for you.

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And then you're like, ha, not here for you.

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Just kidding.

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Yeah.

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But people do what they want to do because they want to.

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And the more you collaborate and the more you want to create good work through your

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science or have people in your program who create good work, the more you should pay

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attention to what people are telling you.

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What do I mean by that?

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It means if somebody says, hey, I will treat you disrespectfully.

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I want you to believe them the first time they tell you that.

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Don't say, oh, you're a noble laureate.

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Of course you can treat me disrespectfully so that some of your goodness and your greatness

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can rub off on me.

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So much of that in medicine where we think that just because someone is influential,

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it's okay for them to be rude or disrespectful to us.

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I'm saying that you do get to choose how you allow people to treat you, but I do want you

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to recognize what they're communicating.

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Recognize what they're communicating.

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Or sometimes you give someone an opportunity and they have an excuse.

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They're like, oh, I couldn't get to it.

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Oh, I couldn't get, oh, I couldn't get, I was so busy.

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I was so busy.

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Don't judge them, but appreciate and recognize and receive what they're communicating to

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you.

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I'm always going, at the season of my life, it may not be an always, but this season,

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this time of my life, I am going to struggle to produce things on time.

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And that is okay for you to recognize what they're communicating.

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Judging them is saying, I can't believe this person is always late.

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That's judgment, not very helpful.

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But recognizing what they're communicating is like, okay, now having things turned in

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on time is important to me.

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This person doesn't seem to have that as their goal.

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How can I move forward?

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Right?

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That's really gets me to number five.

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Decide what you're going to do so that you can move forward.

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Decide how you want to move forward.

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So for me, I've had experiences where people were very rude to me.

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It was a simple communication and they came out guns blazing, almost feeling like I was

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going to be run over.

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And I thought, hmm, okay, what does this communicate?

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This is a person who, for whatever reason, is struggling to respect me right now.

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Hmm, how do I want to move forward?

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Hmm, I like to be respected in these spaces.

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I choose not to have dealings with this person to any great extent.

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I get to make choices.

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I get to make choices.

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And so that's number five is decide how you want to move forward.

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Collect the information they give you and use it to make choices, active choices, because

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you are always choosing.

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And if you choose to stay in situations that don't enhance you, that don't support you,

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what you do is you close the door against opportunities for people to support you and

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encourage you.

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Right?

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If you are tolerating collaborations, relationships, mentoring relationships or mentee relationships

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that abuse you, then what you're not doing is opening the door for opportunities that

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enhance you.

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So the five things I talked about, number one, become the kind of person you want to

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hang out with.

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Personal development is key.

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Number two, remove judgment from your relationship with yourself.

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The most important human relationship you will have is you.

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Number three, remove judgment from others.

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And number four, pay attention to what people communicate.

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Number five, decide what you want to do, how you want to move forward.

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All right.

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It's been a pleasure talking with you today.

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Remember, if you're looking for coaching, I would be happy to connect with you.

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We have a group that's going on Mondays at six.

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I hope that you will think about joining us and we do have some slots for individual coaching

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as needed.

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I want to thank you so much for tuning in and I look forward to speaking with you again

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next time on the Clinician Researcher Podcast.

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Thanks for listening to this episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast, where academic

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clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program, whether or not they

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have a mentor.

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If you found the information in this episode to be helpful, don't keep it all to yourself.

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Someone else needs to hear it.

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So take a minute right now and share it.

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As you share this episode, you become part of our mission to help launch a new generation

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of clinician researchers who make transformative discoveries that change the way we do healthcare.