Transcript
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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast, where academic clinicians learn the skills
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to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.
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As clinicians, we spend a decade or more as trainees learning to take care of patients.
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When we finally start our careers, we want to build research programs, but then we find
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that our years of clinical training did not adequately prepare us to lead our research
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program.
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Through no fault of our own, we struggle to find mentors, and when we can't, we quit.
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However, clinicians hold the keys to the greatest research breakthroughs.
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For this reason, the Clinician Researcher podcast exists to give academic clinicians
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the tools to build their own research program, whether or not they have a mentor.
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Now introducing your host, Toyosi Onwuemene.
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Welcome to the Clinician Researcher podcast.
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I'm your host, Toyosi Onwuemene, and it is such a pleasure to be talking with you today.
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Thank you for tuning in.
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Well, yesterday I talked about why we should say no, and the question that arises is that,
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well, how do you say no?
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How do you say no?
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Because it's super hard to say no, and if it was easy, everybody would be doing it.
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We learned yesterday about the importance of saying no, because it means that you are
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able to create time and space to advance as a clinician researcher, as you really want
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to.
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And so today we are going to continue that conversation, and we're going to talk about
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how to say no.
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And when it comes to saying no, I don't want you to do it like me, where you start to say
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no, and then you end up somehow finding the words yes coming out of your mouth, or you're
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feeling so much pressure in the moment that instead of saying no, you know you should
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say no, you feel like, okay, let me just go ahead and say yes.
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So I want to share with you, I want to share with you a couple of things that are important
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to think about in saying no.
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So how to say no.
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So the first thing I'm going to start with is talking about how do you manage, let's
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say the no committee.
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Actually, before we do that, let's go back to where we started with yesterday's episode.
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So we talked about the importance of saying no, and that the reason you say no is that
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you recognize that no and yes go together.
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So you're never ever really saying no in isolation.
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Every day you say no, you're also saying yes, and vice versa.
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Every day you say yes, you're also saying no.
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And so the question is, do you really understand the two sides of the coin?
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When you're saying yes, oh my goodness, yes, I'll do this, then what are you saying no
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to so that you can create space for the thing you said yes to?
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And similarly, when you say no to something, what you're really saying is that, well, I
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have a bigger yes in the background.
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You can't see it, but there's something bigger.
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There's a reason why the no is coming forth because I'm really saying yes to something
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else.
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So I just want to start there from the perspective of you got to know that every time you say
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no, you're saying yes.
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OK, so that does lead me to number one.
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And what is number one?
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Well, number one is that if you say no, it's because you recognize that there's a bigger
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yes that you're supposed to say, right?
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You recognize that there is a bigger yes somewhere.
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OK, so if there is a bigger yes, the question is, what is that yes?
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And so the number one way how to say no is to figure out your yes.
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Figure out what is the thing that is so important that occupies a high priority for you such
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that there is a list of things that come and no matter what it is, as long as it falls
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below that high priority, the answer is an automatic no.
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And that's really important.
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But it also is important to clarify what that yes is.
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For example, if you're a clinician researcher or an aspiring clinician researcher, and by
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the way, I'm not wedded to any names.
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The podcast is Clinician Period Researcher.
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And I know sometimes I start seeing clinician researcher and people are like, but I'm a
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clinician scientist.
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And then someone else is like, I'm a physician scientist.
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It's OK.
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It's OK.
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Don't panic.
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I'm fine.
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And whatever you want to call yourself, I support you.
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OK, so you're an aspiring clinician scientist.
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That was a digression.
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You're an aspiring clinician scientist.
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And you recognize that in order for you to get your science out there, to establish your
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research program, and to become known for what you do, you do need to create time and
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space for your science.
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You need to create time and space for the thinking, for the working, for the writing
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that it takes to be able to move your work forward.
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And therefore, if you're a clinician scientist, one of your highest priorities is moving your
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work forward.
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Therefore, everything that gets in the way of you moving your work forward is a no.
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It should be a no.
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You hope it's a no.
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But here's the thing, though.
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The thing that's needed to allow you to lead in your research is not always obvious.
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And sometimes it feels like, yeah, there's space.
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I can do that later.
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That's why you've got to recognize what it is you're trying to protect, what's your bigger
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yes.
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And then you've got to figure out how to protect it so that, yes, you're not just going to
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sit in your lab or sit in your research program and do that all the time.
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You do have other things you have to do, including eating and sleeping, meeting with other people,
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seeing patients.
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You've got a lot of stuff in there.
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And so the question is, what is the optimal time for you to do the work?
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That's the big yes.
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OK, I'm a clinician scientist.
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My research, in order to move it forward, I need about four hours of writing time daily.
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OK, that's a lot of time.
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I don't know how many people who have that, but maybe you do.
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But maybe it's not four hours all at once.
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In the early hours of the morning, you're a great thinker and you're a great writer
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at the same time.
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And so you protect that time of the morning where you do your best thinking and your best
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writing.
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OK, so maybe that protected time is about an hour, an hour and a half.
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OK, you have it.
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It's in there every morning.
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OK, the remaining two and a, what's that, about an hour and a half, two hours may not
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be dedicated focus writing time, but maybe that's the time you meet with your research
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group.
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And so there it is.
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There is a time in the week where you meet with your research group.
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OK, you have mentees in your program.
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And if you don't, you should find them.
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And these mentees are going to meet with you because they're helping you move work forward.
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Or maybe they're not mentees.
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Maybe they're research staff.
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They're going to move work forward.
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And you want to create time to meet with them so that you can look and see the hours in
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the day in which you meet with these people.
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Now, when it's a hardcore meeting, that's not difficult to say.
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It's not difficult to say no when another meeting comes up.
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It's like, oh, I have this meeting.
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Other people are meeting with me.
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But the meetings we have with ourselves, that's really, it's easier for us to justify giving
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those times away.
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And so it's important for us to recognize how important our research time, our writing,
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our thinking time is to our forward advancement so that we can guard that time generously.
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And so every time somebody says, hey, there's a patient who needs to be seen in two days
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during your writing time, the answer is actually no.
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And yes, the patient needs to be seen.
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And yes, it is an emergency.
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And who else can help in that time?
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Because I actually do have a meeting.
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And it's not with someone else.
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It's with myself.
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And if I cancel that meeting, I'm canceling a commitment to myself.
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And I don't get that time back.
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Right?
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It's like, well, maybe the patient needs to be seen.
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When else can the patient need to be seen?
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It's not within that one and a half hours of optimal writing time.
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OK.
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So I'm giving that as an example.
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But what I'm really telling you, number one, is how to say no is to really understand how
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big the yes is.
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So I gave an example of writing time.
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Easy to give away, but so critical to moving you forward, you really should have a very
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high threshold for things that you say yes to that move that time out of the way.
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And as a clinician scientist, you literally have to fight for that time because people
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are always fighting to take it away from you.
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They're like, well, I don't see anything else on your schedule.
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I see that you're meeting with nobody.
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Therefore, you must be free.
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Just because you look free, just because they think you're free doesn't mean you have to
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agree that you're free.
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OK.
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So the how is really understand what the big yes is.
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OK.
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The other piece of that is if you say, OK, I'll move my writing time from early in the
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morning to like 3 p.m.
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I'll just make this out.
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I'll go do the patient care that they need me to do.
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And I can come back to my writing at 3 p.m.
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Number one, you're not you're not you're not your best writer at 3 p.m.
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So that's that's a problem.
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But number two, if you're starting your writing at 3 p.m., what are you going to do your clinic
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notes for those patients that you saw earlier?
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Oh, so now we're pushing the day to where you're about.
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Maybe you're going to be here 5, 6 p.m. and your kid has a soccer game that starts at
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430 that you had already made a commitment to be at.
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That's a big yes.
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The soccer game that you made a commitment to be at the other stuff that the emergency
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patient care activity that took away your writing time in the morning that pushed your
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writing time to the afternoon that also gave you extra work to do at the end of the day.
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Those are notes because of the big yes of got to move my research forward and the big
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yes of I'm committed to this time spent with family.
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And so how to say no is to recognize your yeses and to clarify what those are.
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That's number one.
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Number two, people talk about the no committee.
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So I'm going to talk about the no committee.
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And the no committee I feel is a mixed one for me because I love the idea of a no committee.
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But here's the thing, you're the one making decisions for your life and your career.
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And it's great when you have someone or a group of people that you can sit with and
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say I need to say no, how do I do it?
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That's great.
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But remember that in the process of growing as a clinician scientist, we're adulting as
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well.
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We're going from where we need a big bad brother to protect us all the time to where we are
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able to make those decisions on our own.
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And so I don't have anything against the no committee.
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But when I think about a no committee, what I think about is making sure you have space
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on a regular basis, not just for saying no, to be able to reflect back to you what's critical,
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what's important, what are the things you should invest in, where are the places you
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should go, those kinds of things.
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Like what are the opportunities you should be thinking about.
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So have a platform regularly to be able to voice those things so you can practice for
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yourself what yes looks like in your life.
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So I'm not necessarily, I think I'm not big on the no committee because I think you should
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be able to get to a place where you can say no by yourself.
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But what I do want to say is that yes to the no committee, but I want you to think about
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it a little bit more broadly.
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Your committee you meet with regularly to help you say no should really be a committee
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that you meet with regularly to help you think about your career.
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And for me that looks like peer mentoring.
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For you that may look like something else.
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It looks like peer mentoring, it looks like meeting with a mentor, it looks like meeting
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with people who help you advance, whatever that looks like.
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But so let's call it a no committee.
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What I'm really asking you to do is think broadly.
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Who are the people who help you think about advancing your career?
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So you begin to have opportunities and spaces where you can practice saying this is what's
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a priority for me and for that reason this is a definite no.
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Okay, so the first thing I talked about was understanding your big yes, what you really
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are saying yes to.
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And number two is the no committee.
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Okay, number three is space.
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Okay, so there is a quote.
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I think it's by Viktor Frankl and he talks about how between stimulus and response there
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is a space.
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This idea I came across in the seven habits of highly effective people.
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And he says between stimulus and response there is a space.
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Now some of us are really good so that even though that stimulus and response the distance
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is just a couple of seconds, some of us are great.
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We can do that.
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So between stimulus and response between the hey can you do this for me and the 30 seconds
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later definitely no.
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We're good at that.
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For the rest of us, especially those of us who are struggling people pleasers, many physicians
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that I know, many of them women too, many people who are underrepresented in the academy,
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your first instinct is to say yes because our people pleasing instincts are to accept
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short term gain.
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If I say yes, you're going to be happy with me and I'm going to feel better.
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And so for us what we really need is a lot of space between the stimulus and the response.
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I need space between the stimulus and the response for that reason.
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One of the things that you get to learn to do or I'm encouraging you to learn to do is
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to really expand that space for yourself.
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Now in expanding that space it may be that you say hey let me sleep on it and get back
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to you tomorrow.
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Let me think about it for a day or two or you get to expand the space in such a way
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that you are so clear on what yes means that you don't even need too much time to think
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about it.
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It's like hey can you be available for this last minute meeting at 8 a.m. at your writing
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time?
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You're like no, no, definitely no.
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You already know that the answer is no.
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Now it could be that it's your chair who says I'm not sure you should keep working here.
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Can we talk about it?
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Okay.
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Then all of a sudden it's like okay, need to open up that space because this might be
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a really priority meeting.
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So there are things that are clear that might immediately allow you to in a sense expand
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that space because you already know what the answer is.
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But for the most part you do need enough time to really evaluate the opportunity.
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One of the things that happens to us in academic medicine is that there are so many things
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that look great when they are talked about especially on the surface.
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When you go and you really sit down you think about it you're like no I don't think so.
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No, no, no, no, no thank you.
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But it really does take time for you to peel away the layers of who's asking you to do
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it, what's their position, how much do you owe them, what are all the awesome things
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you've done, they've done for you, where you feel like now you're obligated.
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It takes time to peel back all those layers to really understand how do I feel about this
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opportunity that I'm being offered and is this consistent with the direction that I
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want to go.
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So now that brings us to number four.
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Okay so number four is your direction.
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Okay you've got to understand where you're going and why it matters that that's where
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you want to go.
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So I spoke at the beginning about the bigger yes, you got to know what the bigger yes is
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and that's kind of situational like you know that at 8 a.m. there is a big yes to your
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writing therefore you say no to anything that wants to take over.
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You know that at 6 30 p.m. there's a big yes to the soccer game and so you know that anything
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that wants to take that space is a no unless it's really high priority.
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So that's a little bit situational.
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What I'm talking about is direction.
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Where do you want to go?
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Now if you want to be a clinician scientist where do you want to take your research?
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What do you see for yourself?
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What do you see for your research program?
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And having a clear direction helps you understand where you want to go and because you know
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where you want to go then you know what it costs to get there right because if you're
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going to fly to Cincinnati or wherever it is you're flying to you ought to get on a
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plane and it costs money to be on the plane but you know you're going to Cincinnati and
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you know how much flights to Cincinnati cost and therefore you're going to pay the price.
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It's the same way in our careers.
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We have a clear sense of direction of where we're going where we want to be then we have
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an understanding of what the price is.
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Now many times the price becomes very clear over time.
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It's like whoa is this how much it costs?
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I didn't know that but there's kind of like an accepted standard for what that price looks
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like.
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Therefore when you understand the direction you want for your career you ask this what
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is the price I pay to get to this place?
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What will it cost me?
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And then you work to pay the price and how that helps you say no is to ask yourself what
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are the things that people ask me to do that doesn't align with the price that I'm paying
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to get where I want to go?
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What are the things that people are asking me to do that costs me such that I can no
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longer pay the price for where I want to go?
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This is such an important thing and to be honest this is where the NO Committee could
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be helpful because sometimes things seem shiny and you know they're cloaked in anxiety and
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worry and you're not wanting to displease someone who's really important but what's
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really really important is for you to pause and say hmm does this cost me in the area
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that I said I wanted to pay a price to get to?
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Like does it take away from my paying a price for that place so that I can get to the place
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that I want my career to go?
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So that's one of the things you need to think about, direction.
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Number five is being gracious and showing gratitude.
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So whenever people say hey can you do this always say thank you.
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It doesn't matter how awful the thing they're asking you to do maybe they're like you know
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what I've decided I'm going on vacation next week and I have a clinic full of patients
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and I see that you're free can you take my patients?
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No matter how ridiculous it seems always say thank you.
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And here are some reasons to say thank you.
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Now I don't believe in saying thank you when there's no good reason for thank you and so
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what I'm asking you to do in this situation is find a reason to say thank you.
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They're like well there are many faculty members throughout this department faculty members
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in our department and you chose me.
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It must be because you think that I am able and equal to the task.
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It may be that you think I'm a really nice person.
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Whatever it is thank you and yes you may have a few choice words for them you may think
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no this is ridiculous it doesn't matter just say thank you.
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Because being gracious allows you to deliver bad news you know that you have clinical training
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and you know that if you are going to deliver bad news you start off being as kind as possible
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as nice as possible and even if the person is losing it because they're anxious or they're
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afraid and they're angry you don't lose it you speak to them calmly and that's what this
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is.
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Somebody said hey you know what there's a medical director position opening up and yeah
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it'll take about probably six hours of your day three days a week.
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Now they won't tell you that they'll tell you it only takes an hour of your day.
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But I digress you say wow you thought about me for this amazing role thank you and whatever
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you say after that whatever you say after a gracious thank you is gold.
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Like it's hard to say thank you genuinely so please don't say thank you through clenched
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teeth because people can tell that you're not being sincere and I feel like well I don't
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feel sincere about the thank you then go take time to become sincere.
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Say let me think about it so you take the space and then you say what are all the good
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things I can find to show gratitude.
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Maybe you're thinking in that moment I'm so thankful that I know exactly what direction
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I'm going in so that I don't fall for this.
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Maybe that's what you're thinking and you're like thank you thank you for revealing to
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me my priorities.
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I mean you're not going to say that but whatever helps you recognize that you're going to show
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gratitude that's what I want you to do show gratitude.
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Okay and the reason you show gratitude is because whatever comes after that gratitude
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lands better.
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Thank you so much for thinking about me for this amazing opportunity and I would wish
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I could take it.
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It would be amazing and I don't think it aligns with my priorities right now.
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Perhaps it's something that I will be ready for in about two years.
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I don't think I'm ready for it now.
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So we always want to show gratitude because gratitude helps you do the gracious thing
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that comes after gratitude is to find a way to say it in a way that's nice and kind.
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Okay and maybe that's the last thing.
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The last thing is to be kind.
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There are two people you need to be kind to whenever you say no the first person is you.
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Saying no is hard.
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If we are way beyond our terrible twos if you ever went through terrible twos saying
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no is hard work and so the kindness you show first is to yourself to recognize that it
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is hard and so to take the time to prepare to do it.
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Don't procrastinate don't defer it but take the time to do it to say no.
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Be kind to yourself and then also be kind to the person who's asked you to do it.
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Perhaps you know that they're being actually obnoxious they're actually being obnoxious
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you know it.
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Still be gracious and kind and say thank you and no I'm not able to to do this thing.
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Okay so I've given you a couple of reasons a couple of ways to say no and number one
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is to have a bigger yes.
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Number two is to have a no committee or a broad committee that you can talk to.
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Number three is to make sure that there is space between the stimulus the question that
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you're asked and the response that you're able to really think it through.
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Number four is to have a clear sense of the direction you're going in so you understand
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how much another price another charge costs in terms of your big direction.
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Number five is to show gratitude and number six is to be kind first to you and then to
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the person who made that request of you.
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All right I'm interested in hearing your thoughts saying no is super hard and so if you have
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ideas on how to say no I would love to hear it.
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Do me a favor leave a message for us on the podcast.
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There is a voicemail feature if you go to the website clinicianresearcherpodcast.com
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leave a voicemail and I will play your message in a future episode.
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Now it may take a while because I batch record these episodes and so you may be like three
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weeks from now and you're like I haven't heard my voicemail but be patient it will come
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but go ahead and share a voicemail share your ideas and I will use it and turn it into an
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episode.
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Okay that's the end of today's episode I want to thank you for sticking around this long.
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I look forward to the next time definitely share this with a friend or mentee or someone
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else who needs to hear it.
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All right I'll talk to you again the next time.
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Thanks for listening to this episode of the Clinician Researcher Podcast where academic
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clinicians learn the skills to build their own research program whether or not they have
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a mentor.
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If you found the information in this episode to be helpful don't keep it all to yourself
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someone else needs to hear it so take a minute right now and share it.
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As you share this episode you become part of our mission to help launch a new generation
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of clinician researchers who make transformative discoveries that change the way we do healthcare.